Owning the Embarrassment and Starting Again. 268 pounds, +0.5 pounds today, + 0.5 pounds this week, + 14 pounds in 2025, - 65 pounds overall

Owning the Embarrassment and Starting Again

I’ve feared writing this blog post for weeks. Maybe even months, if I’m being honest. And the longer I waited to write, the heavier the silence became—like the weight I’ve put back on, quietly creeping in, day after day.

I started this blog on January 1st, 2025, with high hopes and determination. I was ready to change, and for a while, I did. By the end of January, I had lost over 20 pounds. I was proud. Energized. Hopeful.

Then February came.

And life—stress, selfishness, laziness, old habits—started whispering their familiar tune. I stumbled. I stopped tracking. I let the shame of gaining a little weight back keep me from logging in, from writing, from reaching out. And the silence grew.

Since then, I’ve gained back all the weight I had lost in January, and more. I've put on over 30 pounds. I’m embarrassed. Not just because of the number on the scale, but because I disappeared. It felt great to be congratulated on losing weight. I felt like I let everyone down by putting the weight back on. 

So before anything else, I want to say this: I’m sorry.

To those of you who followed along in January, who cheered me on or felt encouraged by my progress—I’m sorry for vanishing without explanation. You deserved honesty, even when things got hard. You deserved consistency, not silence. And for the past three months, I haven’t shown up. That’s on me.

But I’m here now. Heavier, yes. But also a little wiser. A little more humble. And maybe, in a strange way, a little stronger. Because it takes strength to come back after hiding.

This blog was never meant to be a highlight reel. It was supposed to be real. And what’s real right now is that I’m starting over. What’s real is that I feel ashamed—but also hopeful.

So here’s where I’m at:

I’m going to start again—step by step, day by day.

No gimmicks. No deadlines. Just small choices, made over and over again, to take better care of myself.

I want to lose weight, yes—but more than that, I want to get healthier. I want to feel good in my body, in my mind, and in my habits. And I’m committing to do that one honest, imperfect day at a time.

If you’re still here, thank you. If you’re just joining, welcome. I’m ready to begin again—and this time, I won’t let shame have the last word.

Let’s do this.